Just Say No
First published April 2, 2016
“Well I think you should do it like this, because then it will look like that and everyone will love it.”
“I think I’m going to stick with the way I originally planned it because that’s how I told them it would be and I’ve already made all the arrangements for it. But thanks for the idea.”
Whoosh.
Did you hear that? That’s the sound the word ‘no’ makes. That’s the sound of extra work you don’t need being wiped off your desk. It’s the sound of built up resentment from saying yes to something you don’t want passing you by.
There is power in saying ‘no’.
For a long time, I couldn’t say it. I feared upsetting coworkers. I thought it made me seem like I’m not a team player. Mostly, I just feared the fallout. It was easier to go with the flow. Saying ‘no’ would mean rocking the boat, and I didn’t want to deal with what came next – being challenged.
The truth is, while those are rational concerns, none of them result in a happier work environment, or a more productive me.
I’m not talking about a co-worker who occasionally offers a suggestion here or there in an effort to help you shine brighter, or assist in a better outcome for the team or company. If you are saying ‘no’ to this person all the time, maybe it’s time to take a step back and consider if a team environment is really right for you.
No, I’m talking about the controlling colleague who tells you how you should do *everything* differently. The one who wants the credit for the job you were hired to do. This is the co-worker who steps in when your plans are near completion and wants them all to look how he or she envisions, completely disregarding what you’ve accomplished up to that point. Did I mention it’s your job?
When you don’t want to seem argumentative, saying ‘no’ can be a totally foreign concept, but here are a few tips I have put into practice:
Listen to the whole proposition. Even if you think it’s crazy. Even if you know half way through it makes no sense, hear the person out. Some people need a captive audience, and when you take the time to genuinely listen to what they have to say, it sets the stage for peaceful communication.
Frame your response carefully. ‘No’ is a small, but powerful word that has the ability to sound like a slamming door in your face. It’s how you wrap it that matters. Frame your ‘no’ with all the positive reasons you are doing this particular task in the awesome way you are. The more reasons you can think of, the better.
End with gratitude. It could be the dumbest idea you’ve ever heard of. It could mean throwing away everything you spent months working on, and starting from scratch. It might cost more money and have a less fruitful outcome. You’re probably not going to be grateful for the idea. That’s ok. Say thank you anyway. Ending your nicely wrapped ‘no’ graciously is like the bow on a present. It just gives it a little something extra. No matter how annoying the person is, or how controlling they act, saying thank you will make them feel like they matter. It also helps diffuse any anger on their part at not having their idea come to life. A ‘thank you’ goes a long way.
Using ‘no’ in the work place, with all the politics, and office dynamics, and outrageous personalities can definitely take some time and practice to master. But remember, with every ‘no’ you are saying ‘yes’ to something else – yes to less work, yes to less stress, yes to seeing your ideas through. Think of it as the present you give yourself, because after all, you were hired to do this job. You are strong and capable. And there is power in your ‘no’.
I Wish I Was a Quitter
First published March 11, 2016
I wish I had given up. I wish I had turned back and walked out. I wish I had quit.
When it comes to work, no one likes a quitter. But is there ever a time when it’s ok to just give up? I believe there is, and I wish I had done it.
Only a handful of years ago, I left a pretty decent job for one I thought would take me to new professional levels. I definitely reached new levels – ones of stress, humiliation, and even physical sickness. Start with an office culture as hostile as Germany during WWII. Add a boss who thought nothing was ever good enough. Toss around a few trips to the hospital because construction resulted in dozens of sick employees, and you have yourself a recipe for a job that was nearly impossible to digest.
I eventually moved on about a year later, but I consider it one of my biggest failures that I didn’t walk out sooner.
There came a point about three months in when I sensed I made a mistake. But could I really turn back to where I worked before and not see this thing through? Yes! That’s exactly what I should have done. I would have spared myself months of agony.
So often I think we get too caught up in proving ourselves that we forget it is okay to admit we made a mistake. That’s not weakness. That’s being strong enough to walk away from something that isn’t right.
We tell ourselves we need to work harder or do better, when in reality, maybe it’s the company that isn’t working for us, and we would do well to disassociate ourselves from it.
Here are some things to think about before you decide if giving up on that new job is the right thing to do.
1. Office culture – Work is not play. But there should be some level of comfort in your work environment. Are you able to be yourself? Is everyone around you upset or unhappy? Ask yourself questions about what you’re used to and how much change you can really be ok with. Every culture will have things you will need to get used to, but make sure those elements aren’t so restrictive or unattainable that they border on abusive.
2. Staff turnover – This is a big one and something we don’t often think about. I never used to ask about this in interviews, but I do now – every time. In the year I was at this particular company, more than 400 people began working there and were subsequently fired, or just walked out. That’s a lot of change, and it affected me on more than one occasion. Put some thought into how you would feel if there was a new manager every other month, or if your point person on a project changed several times throughout the course of that project. If staff don’t stay, there’s a problem somewhere and it’s usually not with the people leaving.
3. Health – You deserve to work in an environment that doesn’t cause you to feel sick – emotionally or physically. We’ve all been up against deadlines that cause us some amount of stress or had a co-worker that gets on our nerves and this is normal. This can often even be good for us as we test our limits and see what we’re made of. But what I’m referring to is something more. When work makes you sick, either physically right away or in symptoms of stress that manifest themselves physically later on, it’s time to reconsider where you spend your time every day. If you find yourself in tears on a regular basis and losing sleep over the thought of going in, it’s time to move on. No job is worth your health.
With any job, it’s always good to consider the pros and the cons before doing anything drastic. But, it’s also perfectly fine to admit that something is seriously wrong. This doesn’t mean you failed. Remove that thought from your thought process. Think instead of shoes. Yes, shoes. If you try on a pair that aren’t right, you move on to the next pair. It doesn’t mean you did anything wrong. It just means you’re searching for the very best fit for you. And it’s no different with a job!
My Best Work
First published October 1, 2015
At the end of this month, I will be celebrating a very special anniversary: six years of being a homeowner.
When I look back on moments in life I am most proud of, this one is at the top of the list. Buying a home doesn't just take a lot of hard work, but it's an emotional process as well. Putting in an offer, waiting to hear back, and often times, dealing with painful rejection when your bid isn't high enough.
I went through all of that, thankfully just once, before I found the very best place for me.
It all started with my first visit to a financial planner when I was 21 years old. Of all the good work you do ladies, whether married or single, I recommend doing this above all else. If for no other reason than to learn how to create a budget. The right advisor can teach you all sorts of cool things about money and how to make yours work in your favor.
I remember talking to mine about still living at home and how, never having rented an apartment, I always thought about what it would be like to own my own space. She agreed. And then we did the math. If I found an apartment that was $1,000 a month and I lived there for five years, what would I have at the end of that 60 months? Nothing. I would also be minus $60,000! The numbers were too much for me to compute. "Let's get you in a house," was her response.
As an aside, I highly recommend you find an advisor who not only teaches you about money, but encourages you in your dreams. She was the first person - the only person for awhile - who knew what I was thinking, and didn't laugh at me or tell me I was crazy. She simply laid out a plan to help me get there.
And then I started saving.
And I saved. And I saved. And I saved.
In seven years, I managed to save enough for a down payment and some furniture. This was one of the hardest things I've ever done. It's not easy to watch friends buy cars, and clothes, and trips. But I had my sights set on something bigger. Something that would last longer. Also, I didn't want to go into debt over things I didn't really need.
You've probably heard the saying, "don't give up what you want most for what you want now" and I lived by this motto for years. Seven years to be exact. Sometimes, it seemed like the day would never come when I would see the fruits of my labor, but the day did come and I'm so glad I was ready for it.
Here are a few things buying a home taught me:
* Self-discipline - I had to weigh every purchase very carefully. If it meant removing money from my 'house savings' account, it had better be for a worthy purchase. If not, I wasn't going to consider it.
* Looking ahead - The problem with many people today is that they have no concept of the future. It will be here someday, so do yourself a favor and prepare now. Planning, searching, and saving for my home taught me how to think about the long-term and not just be in the moment - at least not all the time. It's a good to have a plan.
* Be smart - Just because a bank says they can loan you THIS MUCH money because you have such awesome credit, doesn't mean you can afford THAT MUCH house. Be smart about what your finances look like and how much mortgage you are actually comfortable investing in. Remember, unlike renting, it's a lot harder to walk away. But it is worth it.
Mostly, it taught me that big dreams are possible, and it's a regular reminder that I can do more than I think I'm capable of. I love where I live. I love it because I sacrificed and invested to get here. I love making it my own and adding my personal touches. Every picture and pillow reflects an emotion or a memory. And that just makes my heart swell.
And at the end of the hardest day I've ever had, I came home. I turned the key and opened the door. I looked around and thought - you did this.
And that's a beautiful feeling.
I Get To Do This
First published September 7, 2015
Up until a couple months ago, I had two jobs. I worked my 9-5, and then headed off to another office to work some more. My part time job consisted of administrative work for someone who had been my boss a couple jobs ago. A few nights a week I would make the 20 minute commute and take care of whatever she left for me to take care of.
The work was not glamorous. I didn't always feel a sense of accomplishment. I mostly felt exhausted from the 10 hours of work resting on my shoulders. Not wanting to wait that late to eat dinner, I would pack it with me and eat it planted in front of a computer screen.
Sometimes, it felt tiresome and, to be honest, beneath me. I have a college degree. Why am I always working? Why am I doing *this* kind of work? But several months before the job came to an end, I had this thought:
It's not that I "have to" do this, it's that I "get to" do this.
Sure, I had to make another commute while everyone else was going home, but how awesome was it that I could walk into an empty office with no one there to bother me? No, the work was not glamorous, but after a hectic day at job #1, how great was it to have work I didn't really need to think too hard about? Yes, sometimes it meant skipping something else I wanted to do, but it also meant extra money I wasn't making at my full-time job.
For every way that people could describe the situation as negative, I could point to something that made it a wonderful opportunity for me, while it lasted. In this economy, where some people can't even find one job, I was blessed to say I had two.
Whether it's to make ends meet, or because you're saving for something extra special, remember to count it as a blessing, no matter how frustrating it can be at times, because it's an opportunity not everyone gets to take advantage of.
I’m (Not) Sorry
First published September 7, 2015
Women apologize for too many things at work that they have no business being sorry for.
There. I said it. And I'm not sorry.
Do you ever stop to think about the number of times that phrase comes out of your mouth at work? I do. I'm sorry for knocking on the office door, even though it's time for our meeting. I'm sorry for requesting time off, even though I have more than enough time to cover it. I'm sorry for sharing my opinion in a meeting, even though it's *my job* to have an opinion on the topic. I was hired to have an opinion on the topic. I get paid - to have an opinion on the topic, and to bring my expertise and experience in general to wherever I'm working.
And still, we apologize. A lot. If we aren't saying "I'm sorry", we're probably doing something that shows we are, like taking on more work that we can handle so as not to rock the boat.
Why are we sorry? Is it because we have genuinely done something wrong? I'm going to venture it's because, unlike many men, we don't feel empowered enough to be standing where we are and doing what we're doing.
We don't want to be a bother or a burden. We don't want to step up or speak out. For so many years, a woman's place was in the home, and although much has changed over the years, I don't know that we ever really gave ourselves permission to take our places in the work force, if that is where we want to be. I also think this sentiment is not just something we struggle with - it's evident nationwide.
On average, full-time working women earn just 77 cents for every dollar a man earns. So, even if we don't feel the need to apologize for ourselves, the rest of the world does it for us by paying us less to do the same job (and in most instances, probably to do it just as well.)
Being a career-focused woman myself and also a Christ follower, I used to wonder if my apologies, whether in words or actions, were rooted in something bigger - like maybe I wasn't supposed to be reaching for success in my career. That was until I came across something interesting in Proverbs 31. This chapter of the Bible discusses what a Godly woman should be like, describing her as "the wife of noble character". She cooks, she cleans, she makes clothes, she takes care of her husband and her children, and is the epitome of patience and grace.
And then I get to verses 16-18: "She considers a field and buys it; out of her earnings she plants a vineyard. She sets about her work vigorously; her arms are strong for her tasks. She sees that her trading is profitable, and her lamp does not go out at night."
It seems this Proverbs 31 woman - this wife of noble character - in addition to being a great homemaker, was also quite the little business woman. You go girl!
With everything she accomplished, both at home for her family *and* in her work, I don't read anything about her shrinking back from earning money or making profitable trades. And she certainly wasn't apologizing for being good at all of it.
Being a woman in today's workplace, I always want to walk the fine line between bringing grace and kindness to those around me and being firm and speaking my mind when necessary. Sometimes conversations might be difficult to have. Sometimes, I might have to repeat myself or change the way I'm saying something to get my point across. I also want to keep pursuing areas where I know I succeed and I want to keep doing good work.
It won't always be easy to find my place or make my way, but regardless of the circumstances, I will have worked hard to get where I'm headed in my career. I will have made sacrifices and I will have given my all.
I'm not going to be sorry for that.
The Beautiful Boundary
First published August 28, 2015
It's always just one more. Just one more e-mail. Just one more phone call. Just one more task to cross of the to-do list. As if that list will somehow magically disappear by morning light. I assure you, it won't.
We've all been there - maybe this describes you or someone you work with. I know it used to be me. For some reason I'm not really sure of, enough was never enough. It's as if I had to push myself to the edge - but for what, I'm not really sure.
The truth is, it somehow made me feel good to go until the point of burn out. Doing good work just wasn't enough. But then I almost went through a lay off, and everything changed. I was told I no longer had a job. Three weeks later the contract was renegotiated and I got to keep my job. Despite being able to stay, my mindset shifted tremendously. Suddenly, it didn't seem to matter what I did or how mentally exhausted I made myself to do it. I was just a number. And my whole perspective changed. I'm proud to say in the few years since that happened, I look at things a lot differently.
It's not that I don't value doing good work, it's just that now I put that same high price on myself.
Recently I've been embracing this idea of the beautiful boundary. It's this imaginary line I draw around myself, my time, and my energy. Do you ever notice that everything somehow always manages to come together at the end of a project? It's just a matter of how we arrive when it does. Are we frazzled and not able to enjoy the fruit of our labor because we're so burnt out? Or, do we reach the finish line feeling exhilarated and fully able to relish in our success because we have paced ourselves?
When I remind myself that I am doing everything I need to, I don't have to succumb to the voices in my head that tell me I have to rush, or to the co-workers around me that may be stirring up unsettling energy. With every project and deadline that dots my calendar I make my lists, I follow through, and I recognize there will be bumps along the way or issues that I may not anticipate, but I just keep moving forward.
If an e-mail comes through after a certain point in the day, I will write back the next day. If the phone rings before I leave the house in the morning, that's too bad because that's my time. If a text lights up my phone Sunday morning while I'm in church, it will go unanswered.
And I feel amazing.
Not only do I feel like I am more efficient (because I am), but I'm also less stressed. The call, the text, the frantic-sounding e-mail is only an emergency if I make it one. Practice it sometime and see how it feels. It might take some getting used to. I know it did for me at first. But, the more I stayed within my boundaries, the easier it became until now it's basically second-nature. I assess what's really at stake and then I have two choices: I can choose to become a knotted stress ball trying to jump on whatever it is instantaneously, or I can choose to let whatever it is take it's rightful place on my list, or let it keep until morning. Sometimes the urgent issue of the hour happens during business hours, but again, just because someone else is declaring it's the end of the world, doesn't mean the end is coming.
Now, if I had a job where someone's life depended on my response, that would be a different story. Or, if I took an extremely large salary with the understanding that a fax might come through at 3:00 am, that's different too. I'm not saying to abandon responsibilities you may have agreed to. What I am saying is that for most of us, nothing life-altering is riding on our shoulders.
So carry on knowing you are doing your best. And it is enough. Don't be afraid to ignore communication from work when you're off the clock. Not everything is an emergency. Don't be swayed by those who have no boundaries. Draw yours and feel the power and freedom that comes when you stay within them.
The Interview
First published August 26, 2015
Oh, the job interview. The search for the ideal work combined with just the right benefits and an oh-so-perfect salary that finally leads to an in-person meeting. What we put ourselves through in order to stand out in the crowd. We tweak our resume to highlight the experience and accomplishments that match the job description. We craft a cover letter that shines a spotlight on our incredible abilities. We smile and say all the right things. We're friendly, but not too familiar.
And then come the questions designed to determine if we are the right fit. The interesting thing about this is that I often walked into interviews thinking that I had to answer all the questions correctly, and say 'yes' to whatever I was asked in order to "win". My goal was to beat out all the competition to obtain this highly coveted thing that is 'the job' - the one that will satisfy my professional thirst and pay all the bills.
What if instead, I put as much effort into discovering if the employer is the right fit for me? I'm not saying to make poor judgments if you are in desperate need of income. We have all had to take a job that wasn't necessarily our favorite thing to do just to make ends meet, and there is nothing wrong with that. In fact, we need to humble ourselves during times of struggle. We also have all had to start somewhere. It's called paying your dues, and most of us have to work our way up to what we want, often holding less than glamorous positions along the way.
I'm talking about that point in your career where you have some experience under your belt. The Rolodex (whether physical or virtual) is full, and you have tales of professional victories to share. I find myself in this place and I recently came to a realization about how I tackle job interviews.
As much as they are sizing me up, I need to be sizing them up, too. I will be receiving (hopefully) more pay and better benefits, and opportunities that energize. But, the employer is getting something too. They are getting my experience, my abilities, my unique perspective, drive, and more-than-occasional brilliant epiphany for their use. Let's start seeing the interview process as a two-way street. It's a potential relationship in which both parties have something to offer and something to gain.
It took many years for me to get to this point, and even though it was gradual, when I started thinking about interviews in these terms, my nervousness slowly went away. Instead of "will they like me?" or "Will I do ok?" I now say to myself, "Let's see what they have to say." Again, this is not meant to sound arrogant. It's just about knowing your worth and being confident in what you are bringing to the table.
One of the worst things you can do in an interview is let the potential employer ask all the questions and not have any of your own. Remember: two-way street. You want to learn as much about them, both the company as a whole, and the individuals you will be working with, as they want to learn about you.
Here are some questions I find helpful to ask:
What does a typical day look like? Don't let the salary or the office location five minutes from your house blind you to the fact that you will be doing certain tasks every day, or maybe no two days look alike. Is that something you can handle? Find out.
How long have you been here and what is it about your job that keeps you here? If the interviewers have been there a number of years, have positive things to say about the company, and describe a genuine satisfaction in their work, it's always a good sign - not just about the work you will be doing, but about the overall health of the company.
What is the staff turnover like? This seems like a strange question, but I never realized how important it was to know until I worked for a company whose staff turnover rate was three times the national average for a company its size - three times! To break it down, in the year and couple months I worked there, more than 400 people were hired, and were subsequently fired or walked out. That's a major problem, and is often an indicator of many other problems.
These are just a few questions that help me get a feel for what I would be committing myself to. A new job is a huge decision. Let's not short-change ourselves by not making sure it's a right fit. Employers want to be impressed, but don't get so caught up in proving your worth that you forget - you should be a little impressed, too.
Don’t Be Afraid To Love What You Do
First published August 14, 2015
I am different from other women.
I don’t have a husband. I don’t have children. I do have a job, and deadlines, and friends, and free time, and choices to make about how to spend it, and a home I purchased, and a retirement fund.
I have a love for my work, even though that work has changed a lot in the last few years. Work is what energizes me. When it comes to some of the projects I am most proud of, I sound a lot like most women sound when they see a new baby: my voice goes up an octave, and I start clapping and cooing a bit. I have often said that some of my best projects were like children to me, and when I watched them succeed, well, those were like family milestones.
For many years, I let this difference make me feel less-than. I looked at all the other women around me who married young, had multiple babies, and never talked about work, and I felt inferior. I felt un-relatable, and often, unnoticeable. Somehow I didn’t have as much to bring to the table because building a family was seen as time invested, while cultivating a career was seen as time wasted. I couldn’t join the moms group, and I certainly couldn’t join in the conversations they were having. As a result, I thought I had nothing to offer. How could I relate or make a difference when I was so different from everyone around me?
And then it hit me. I couldn’t.
But maybe that’s the point. Maybe I’m not meant to reach this vast group of women who trade DIY project instructions, and swap clothes every time another child is born. Maybe, just maybe, I need to look past what is directly in front of me, and see what is beyond me. There could be others out there who are different, too. Maybe I was meant to be different on purpose.
Psalm 139: 13-15 says: For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place, when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.
I was hand-stitched in a dimension no one but God could see. He knew what He was doing when He wove together the drive I have for discipline in my work. He foresaw my passion for projects. He wrote the codes that make me perk up when ideas go from brainstorming to fruition, and I can hold them in my hand. Notice what that verse does not say. It doesn’t say, “I hide the woman I am because I’m not like the others.” Notice it doesn’t say, “I keep to myself until I’m exactly like the other women.” It says that I praise you because of how I am made. It says God’s works are wonderful! I should know that full well!
It’s true that being different can be difficult. I often feel like people don’t know quite what to do with me. Or what to say. They will talk to me about the season (“So how’s your summer going?”) or ask me how my house is. It’s still standing, so that’s good. But, somehow, conversation never goes past that. It’s as if without a family of my own, there’s nothing else really to say.
But I have a lot to say.
The truth is, work is important to me, and I want to talk about it. I’m not saying that work should be your number one priority. I certainly learned the hard way what happens when you place career above all else. But what happens if you don’t have a family of your own yet? Would it be right to ignore a prompt to move in a certain direction professionally simply because you’re waiting for life events to fall into place personally? Are family matters the only ones worth having dialogues about?
I’ve had the opportunity to try and do so many things that I love in other areas of my life. Yes, it may look different, but they are still things I enjoy discussing. I’ve taken chances with jobs – some have worked out better than others, but there are lessons to share and stories to tell. I love to bake, so I started selling cupcakes. I love to write so I turned my journal into a blog.
But I’ve lost track of the number of times I’ve been told by a woman that work can’t define me, and then her “About” page describes her as a wife and mother. So in essence, she defines herself by roles she has assumed thanks to someone else. She is defining herself by things she is passionate about; it’s just different than my passion.
Does a woman stop being a mother during the hours her child is in school? I wonder what would happen if I told a friend (which I never would, by the way) that she couldn’t talk about her child between the hours of 9 am and 3 pm because technically, she’s off the clock. Pretty ridiculous, right? A woman doesn’t stop being a mom because her child is in a different location. I don’t stop being a professional because it’s Saturday and not Tuesday. Yes, I take a break, and I love my downtime, but doing what I do will always be a part of me.
Would I love to be married? Absolutely. Children? It would be an honor. But right now, there are other loves that have been placed on my heart, and I want to feel free in celebrating them.
If you’re passionate about your work, stay that way! Embrace who you are in Him, and praise Him for the way He made you. Someone else out there feels the exact same way. Don’t stop talking about what you love to do. And if you avoid discussing what you love, you need to start. Tell anyone who will listen. If you feel called to lead, or speak, or teach, or write, do it with all your heart! Don’t silence your voice because it sounds different. Different might just be what someone else needs to see and hear.
The world could use a few more women who aren’t afraid to love what they do!