What I Would Tell Younger Single Women if I Wasn’t Worried About Hurting Their Feelings
Dear younger, single women:
I have been where you are and I understand - all of it.
As your big sister, this is what I would say if we were having coffee and I wasn’t worried about hurting your feelings.
We romanticize what we don’t have
Whether it’s a job, a house, a vacation, or a husband, we do it with everything.
We assign characteristics to situations or people without seeing the whole picture, and make up in our minds how we think it would be.
The perfect job where we are always appreciated. The ideal destination for rest and relaxation. A home of our dreams where we can foster family and community. A husband who makes us feel seen, loved, and worthy.
We daydream in pure platinum.
When life gets tough, we believe what we lack is what would fix everything.
Too often, we fail to acknowledge there is another side.
That perfect job no doubt has its fair share of stress or difficult co-workers.
The dream vacation may come with a side of frustration over lost luggage or missed connections.
Every homeowner knows when it comes to maintenance, there’s always something.
Your marriage will take effort, and there will be days you don’t even recognize that loving husband.
I once envied a couple I thought was the epitome of a strong and healthy marriage and it turned out to be anything but that.
You never know what’s going on between two people after everyone else goes home.
Cultivate contentment right where you are (Philippians 4:11-13). Stay in your lane, and put your blinders on to what you assume you are missing out on.
This is not to say that we shouldn’t strive, hope, or pray for what we want, but we need to keep our aspirations in their rightful place - none of them lead to never-ending happiness or contentment.
None of them are worth worshipping.
Stop dating if you hate it
“You have to put yourself out there.”
I don’t even know what that means.
The single women I know are running businesses, traveling the world, writing books, getting involved in politics, mentoring, and serving in their churches and communities.
We are out there. We are everywhere.
You don’t need to hop on the dating hamster wheel because of pressure that you’re not doing enough to meet someone.
Let me guess: you’ve been told it’s a numbers game and you need to keep working at it if you ever want to meet someone.
People try to set you up and you can immediately tell the only thing you have in common is a pulse.
Dating apps are a revolving door of men you wouldn't trust with your luggage let alone your whole life.
But, hey, you’re “out there.”
If online dating leaves you feeling overwhelmed or unsafe, delete the apps.
If you know in your heart a guy wouldn’t be a good fit for you, don’t go out with him just because someone else thinks you should.
Nowhere is it written that you have to subject yourself to a certain number of bad experiences in order to earn your way to the right person.
It may feel counterintuitive, but loosen your grip on the need to make it happen.
Live the life you have, not the one you wish you had
I bought my first home when I was in my late twenties. It was a huge step for me as a single woman.
Someone close to me said, “Don’t you think you should wait until you get married before you do this?”
No.
There are many things I wanted to experience with my husband. Buying a home was one of them. Traveling to certain countries was and still is another.
But we miss opportunities when we wait for the ideal set of circumstances.
I’m grateful I bought my condo when I did. Had I waited until I got married, I’d still be waiting! I would have missed out on years of building equity that I’m so happy I have now.
And talk about a growth spurt - I was stretched! I learned a lot during the process of becoming a homeowner, and not just about real estate.
Adulting took on a whole new meaning, and I’m grateful for what I gained that I know will only serve me should I also gain a husband some day.
This past June, I spent nine days in Greece, a country I always wanted to visit with my husband. I took my sister instead and we had an amazing time.
Only after it was over did I realize that trip was meant for me to experience as a single woman.
God met me in a couple different ways; ways that strengthened and healed me; ways I may have missed if I was focused on my spouse.
Your life is happening right now.
Are you putting certain dreams on hold?
Or, are you digging deep, pressing in, and being present for your life as it is?
I know what I’m choosing.
You’re not late
You’re not late, at least not when it comes to God’s timing, and I know that’s hard to hear when you’re waiting.
When we combine how we feel about our timetable with what society constantly pushes, waiting feels painful, even irresponsible at times.
And yes, certain aspects, like childbirth and raising kids, may be easier when we’re younger.
But rushing and marrying the wrong person will make life a heck of a lot harder.
We serve a God who created time. He is not subject to it.
He can cause it to feel sped up or slowed down.
I’ve known couples who met each other past the point anyone thought they would and I hear them describe a quickening in their relationships.
With God in the middle of it, they feel as though they have known each other for a lifetime and wouldn’t trade the timing.
Maybe one or both of you needs this time.
Maybe the world does.
Everyone’s time was appointed, when and where they would live, so that they might seek God (Acts 17:26-27).
My great-grandmother had her last child (a surprise) when she was 45 years old.
Take a breath, this happens more often than you think, and God always gives us grace right where we are to handle things we never thought we could.
I might not be here if she had that baby earlier.
The timing of your marriage and birth of your children fit into God’s larger design for history.
Respectfully, it’s not all about you.
Not every woman who wants to get married will
Can you be ok if it never happens?
For decades I’ve had well-meaning friends, acquaintances, and pastors speak marriage and family over my life.
But the truth is, no one knows what the future holds, and I only recently came to understand this in a way I never had before.
October will be six years since I was diagnosed with breast cancer.
This diagnosis was so far outside my realm of thinking, I can’t begin to tell you.
One doctor told me I was the healthiest person he ever met, or, at least, was living in all the healthiest ways.
Cancer doesn’t discriminate.
And it didn’t respect my hopes to meet someone amazing, preferably right around that time, when I felt my patience wearing thin. COVID hit shortly after and those were some of my darkest days.
I would have given *anything* to have a loving husband by my side through that experience, but I didn’t.
Instead, the God of the universe met me in ways no spouse could have the knowledge or power to.
I experienced God in countless ways I wouldn’t have otherwise.
A God who knows me better than I know myself. One who moves on my behalf. Who shows up with answers to questions I didn’t know I needed to ask. And always right on time.
Cancer was a chapter, but not the whole story.
The times I wish for a spouse aren’t even chapters, they’re moments. Friends’ wedding days, Mother’s Day, doctor appointment days.
The way I work to not let cancer become the whole story is the same way I have to actively make sure that moments of missing a spouse stay just that: moments.
I can’t let them get bigger than they are to the point of drowning out the millions of other beautiful moments I get to experience.
More importantly, I can’t let them drown out God.
We are all here for the same reason
Legacy.
It came into sharper focus after my cancer diagnosis.
What am I doing that matters? What will I leave behind?
Newlywed or never wed, when we are in Christ, we have a role to play.
You’re not on a lesser path because you are single.
The children you hope to have aren’t the only ones to whom you can pass the torch.
After my diagnosis, I wrote something that helped me process the experience and also as a way to share it with a wider audience.
Someone I didn’t know well, who is not familiar with God, reached out almost two years after I shared it to say that the way I wrote about God inspired her and I know it got her thinking.
If you had asked me when I was younger how I wanted to reach people and make an impact, writing about my personal journey through cancer would not have made the list, and yet God knew it was a seed that would be planted in the soil of someone’s heart.
God has work for each one of us to do (Ephesians 2:10). What can you share, make, build, or speak life over?
Step into it and watch the ripple effect.
You will be okay
I’m not trying to minimize what’s important to you, or lessen the pain you may experience in the wait, but as someone who has been living this for quite some time, I am trying to get you to see the bigger picture.
I hope you get what you’ve been waiting for.
More than that, I hope you allow God to ready you for what you’re waiting for.
I hope you never rush thinking you are late.
I hope you choose to live, to embrace your present for the precious gift it is, and chase the adventures you may have been putting off.
I hope you discover the richness of all God has for you, and feel emboldened to step into the work he prepared for you to do.
And should you not receive the thing your heart desires, I know you’ll be ok.
Better than ok, actually.
I’m living proof.
With love,
Jen
Waiting
“You need to have kids.”
The room was loud so at first I thought I misheard. She repeated it, this time drowning out the noise.
“You need to get married and have kids.”
It’s been spoken over me for decades.
Like a broken record - skipping the beautiful soundtrack of my life to get stuck on something no one can make sense of.
The faces have changed, but it’s always the same.
Said in passing. Without thought. Said as if it was something I forgot to do.
In one stroke, it sweeps over the entirety of who I am, minimizing the journey:
Christ-follower
Writer
Mentor
Friend
Cancer survivor
Entrepreneur
But God also speaks over us, if we let him, and his words go farther back.
Before opinions, before I was born, before the world.
His ways are complete.
Whole.
With nothing left unfinished or forgotten.
He doesn’t leave loose ends.
And if I’ve learned anything sifting through these decades of noise, it’s this:
More than anyone, God knows what He is doing. He sees what I can’t.
Peace overflows when I rest my full weight on that.
So far, it’s looked nothing like what I planned, but His ways are marked by precision, intention, and a thoughtfulness unique to who I am.
The weight of the world’s words can get heavy. If you have experienced this, too, you are not alone.
But waiting on Him - waiting with Him - is never wasted.
He isn’t finished yet, and it will be worth it to see what he intended all along.
Five Years
Five years ago today was my final cancer treatment.
I stepped into the cold, feeling yanked out from under the daily watchful eye of the incredible team of experts I came to rely on.
Two days later all nonessential businesses in New York shut down.
I was told the usual prescription for post treatment was to go out, do things, see your friends, plan the trip. The way to move on is to live.
With the onset of COVID, my doctors were sympathetic - they had no advice for me now.
And that was the beginning of my path to healing against a backdrop the world had never seen before.
Five years later, I’m spending the day very differently.
Things are coming into sharper focus. The specifics aren’t important just yet but I’m no longer working to survive from one doctor’s appointment to the next.
I’ve made plans again, not only for the near term, but without even realizing it, for the distant future, too.
These five years will always hold weight with me: for what was lost and for what was gained.
But now I’ve come down off the tight rope walk.
The tension is breaking.
And it feels a little like coming home.
The Work in Front of Me
Respectfully, I would ask that we stop interrupting women’s lives to tell them they should be leading different ones.
The Bible says that Jesus cast seven demons out of Mary Magdalene - meaning she most likely suffered from an illness not easily cured.
She contributed to Jesus’ ministry financially, so she had her own money, and there is no mention of her being married.
In other words, she did not live the typical life of a woman in that time.
I can relate.
And yet, she is the first person Jesus revealed himself to after he rose from the dead.
This in a time when women’s testimony was not permitted in a court of law because they were viewed as being lower than livestock.
Jesus instructed her to go and tell the others. She was the apostle sent to the apostles.
Ladies, you have so much more value than you’ll ever know because He placed it in you.
And that value doesn’t increase or decrease as your roles change, either at work or at home.
Imagine if Jesus yelled to Mary as she ran to share the news, “Girl, don’t forget to get maaarriieeeeddd.”
How ridiculous would that have been?
Because the message - then and now - is about Him. Killing sin and death.
That’s it. That’s the headline.
And Mary’s willingness to be present and responsive to what He called her to is a lesson for us all.
It reminds me of when I bought my condo.
I was young. Anxious, excited, happy, scared.
And someone said, “Don’t you think you should have waited until you got married to do this?”
Man, did that ruin my moment.
And it made me feel like what I was doing wasn’t real life because I hadn’t checked another box first.
Or instead.
Would I have liked to step into other roles? You bet.
But that might be a conversation better had with the men today, many of whom seem more interested in quantity over legacy.
It can’t just be me doing all the work and dragging a guy along for the ride.
A remarkable thing about women is that we won’t wait to multiply whatever you give us.
Bring me groceries, I’ll make you a meal.
Build me a dwelling, I’ll make you a home.
Give me a story worth sharing, I’ll spread that news far and wide.
This photo was taken at one of my favorite press conferences. We made the front page of USA Today. Good Morning America even gave us a shout out.
I felt a lot of satisfaction from this effort. And I think God, like any good dad, gets a kick out of watching His kids light up and fire on all cylinders.
There are some who say I shouldn’t occupy this space. That I’m in the minority.
But while society sidelines me, God never does.
He calls me loved, chosen, valuable, and trustworthy to carry His message. In return, I do the work that’s in front me, whatever that looks like.
It could be at a job. It could be taking care of family.
It could be reminding single friends younger than me that marriage and children, however wonderful and worthy, are not actually what God looks for in the end, and then setting an example of how to walk that out, practically.
Maybe someday my life will look different. Maybe it will include a husband or a different home.
In the last few years, I’ve had cancer and the world got swallowed up in COVID.
Again, I do the work that’s in front of me.
It’s been years since this photo was taken and I still show up for God.
I bring my sickness and my singleness and the hurt I carry from the world telling me I’ve done it all wrong.
Sometimes, that feels really heavy. And I believe the lies the world has told me that I don’t have a place in it.
But then there are times I take God at his word and, like Mary Magdalene, I’m there before anyone else, waiting to see what He will trust me with next.
Eva
This is a portrait of my great-grandmother Eva.
She came to this country from Poland through a church sponsorship program in Watervliet, NY. The church would help her get acclimated to America and, in exchange, she would work in the home of one of the church members. Her family only had passage money for one person at the time, so she would travel first and then her sister would follow.
But back then the mail didn’t move as fast as it does now and as she was crossing the Atlantic, a letter was headed to her home in Poland from the host family. They were moving and would not be there to take her in.
She arrived at her destination only to find the whole house empty, except for an apron that had been left behind on the kitchen floor. Overwhelmed, she sat outside on the front steps and cried.
She was 14 years old.
Luckily, a neighbor who was a member of the same church that was sponsoring her took her in. Her sister eventually decided to stay in Poland to get married, and while they exchanged a few letters, she would never see her family again.
A few years later, she met the man who would become her husband in that church. He just so happened to be from Poland. Never doubt how God will surprise you with a little piece of home just when you’re feeling so far from it.
I’m sad to say Eva passed away before I was born. I’ll never know how she managed to get herself from Ellis Island to Watervliet without knowing any English or the fear she must have felt as she walked through that empty house.
But one thing I do know is that I am only here today because she said “what if”. Her boldness had a ripple affect through generations.
I don’t know what you’re waiting on, but I don’t wait anymore. Let this be the year you step out. Leave the familiar behind. Be the first in your family.
You’re not just saying “yes” for yourself, but for all those coming up behind you. Even the ones you may never meet.
Shoulder to Lean On
Shoulder to lean on.
Soft place to land.
Patient through my stumbling.
Familiar with my pain.
Bearing my burdens.
Cancer healer.
Tear collector.
Heart mender.
Fiercest advocate.
Defender.
Protector.
Warrior.
Shepherd.
Solid ground.
Ransom payer.
Debt canceller.
Reconciling the impossible.
Teacher.
Savior.
King.
Loyal in my wandering.
Investor in my future.
Architect of my dreams.
Masterminding my victories.
Tailor of miracles.
Harbor in the storm.
Author of my story.
Disrupting my status quo.
Bending time tables.
Interrupting best laid plans.
Silencing my doubts.
Reassuring promises.
My journey’s end.
This is Christmas.
Buy the Shoes
Taking a look (not that far back 😉) through the archives.
This was the best way I knew how to celebrate my birthday after a cancer diagnosis ushered me directly into a global pandemic.
I called Dave Bigler at Saratoga Portrait Studio and Alayne Curtiss at Make Me Fabulous took the day off, and let myself forget how rapidly my world and the world around me had come unhinged.
Sometimes we need that.
It’s not denial - it’s a healthy defiance. Celebrate big. Every chance you get.
And for the love God, just buy the shoes! ❤️👠
All I Had
I was not expecting the calm that eventually rolled in like a fog this October.
I felt muddy. Trapped. I struggled to pray, to rally, to put up a fight.
And I think that’s a mistake we all make sometimes - thinking we need to do more.
Thinking we can manifest a victory in our own strength. Thinking God is ignorant or indifferent to our plight.
Thinking it depends on us.
Instead, I called to mind something I felt God put on my heart the first time around. I meditated on it for a bit, and left everything else with Him.
If you’re wrestling with something you can’t see your way out of, might I suggest you stop for a moment?
You weren’t meant to shoulder it.
You can’t overcome it on your own.
And there is rest to be found in letting go.
Three weeks of waiting; a simple petition for help. It was all I had in me. And it was enough.
Because He is enough.
He was already on the way.
And I felt it the strongest when I gave up the fight.
Matthew 12:21 - The mere sound of his name will signal hope.
October
October didn’t go as expected, but not much of this journey has.
As a survivor, you’re always waiting for the other shoe to drop. Wondering if that dormant volcano will awaken and erupt once again.
So when the nurse walked back into the room after my scans, shut the door and sat down, I didn’t need her to say that something looked suspicious and they wanted to biopsy as soon as possible.
I’ve been down this road before.
And as much as you train your mind not to wander off; as much as you settle it on victory, the body keeps the score.
In those first moments, it doesn’t care about breathing or waiting to see. Trauma cements a path through the brain.
The mere sound of the word ‘suspicious’ signaled a threat to survival.
But I am more than the limbo I lived these last three weeks.
I am the sum of my resolve to show up for every test, march on through the wait, and advocate for myself and others with room to spare.
I wrestle with the unknown until hope rises. I fall apart and carry on. I celebrate the wins, big and small, wherever I can get them.
It’s not just what a survivor does. It’s who a survivor is.
To that sweet soul of a nurse who sat next to me and rubbed my back without uttering a word while I sobbed, and then rearranged her schedule to squeeze the biopsy in on her shift - thank you.
Your kindness in that moment was such a precious gift to me this Breast Cancer Awareness Month.
This fourth anniversary of mine.
That and finally hearing my two favorite words in the English language:
All clear.
Wars and Rumors of Wars
Tensions are high this week. Personally. Globally.
Pending scans and anniversaries. Wars and rumors of wars.
I have never been so grateful to be a child of God.
I think about what it would be like to be caught in the crossfire of something I wanted nothing to do with.
To live with a target on my back.
To stare down the end of my life at the hands of someone who found joy in the taking.
Where would the ultimate comfort come from?
Not my family or friends. Not my co-workers. Not my president or my pastor.
From the same place I found it when the test results did not come back all clear.
Jesus.
Being pursued by him has been the greatest joy. Following him, the most unexpected adventure.
He’s already in tomorrow. He’s already written the end. And he holds me securely in his hands. Through whatever happens here or halfway across the world.
If you walked away, come back. If you’re on the fence, climb off. If you ever wondered if there was something more, there is.
The battles of this life will be many, but he has already won the war.
And his is the only side worth choosing.
Isaiah 43:1 - Fear not, for I have redeemed you. I have called you by name, you are mine.
Sometimes I Miss Her
Sometimes I think about her. The girl I used to be.
The girl who never felt burned out.
Who was energized by a full calendar, not reduced by it.
Who never saw the inside of a doctor’s office or knew a single statistic by heart.
The girl who didn’t think twice about “wellness” or “balance” or “self-care”.
Because she felt free. And freedom was its own medicine.
I think about the girl who never had to brace herself for that “tough time of year”.
The girl who didn’t have to hibernate in October or shield her eyes from all things pink.
The girl who when she heard that someone had cancer, didn’t feel empathy burning a hole in her chest.
I think about the girl who never asked, “if something like this could happen, what else could?”
Because she didn’t have a “something like this”. Her somethings were reasonable, manageable.
The girl who assumed it would all work out for the best.
Who didn’t know any better.
Who never saw it coming.
Barreling along like a freight train. Destined for impact.
Sometimes I think about her. The girl I used to be.
And I miss her.
Photo: NYC, August 2019, two months before diagnosis
Breast Cancer Healer
I often see it in their eyes before I hear it in their voices.
“Oh, you had cancer? Oh, I’m sorry.”
Then they go on their way, not having any idea how difficult it is to reconcile my past experience with my current reality.
It’s a daily reckoning.
This print by Jessica Bond (Salt and Gold Collection) called ‘Breast Cancer Healer’ takes me back to the beginning and the vulnerability I still feel some days.
Weak.
Not able to defend myself.
Incapable of balancing the weight that is breast cancer on my own.
But in those early days I was also carried in ways too innumerable to contend this reminds me I always will be.
As much as I’m grateful for the time and distance slowly growing between me and my diagnosis day, I will never forget the season I sensed that something otherworldly had stepped in to fight on my behalf.
The force of God’s power to face head on what no else could.
The magnitude of His felt presence in the deepest caverns of my heart where there was nothing left.
That time He gently gathered me up and said, “I’ve got this.”
He went to battle on my behalf, even as He cradled me in His arms.
Isaiah 46:4
I have made you and I will carry you; I will sustain you and I will rescue you.
What Doesn’t Kill You Makes You Stronger…Sometimes
They say what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.
Sometimes.
And sometimes it startles you from a sound sleep, heart pounding and breathless, wondering if what didn’t kill you will darken your door once again.
Lately, I feel as though everyone around me was given a full tank and I am running on empty.
Like I trained and tried out, but I didn’t qualify.
Sidelined.
The way otherness always makes us feel.
I watch as my peers post their milestones, breakthrough moments, and life events.
Meanwhile, I’m a walking encyclopedia of medical statistics and warning signs. A half-hearted running list of do’s and don’ts, questioning if it matters. Can anyone really know what makes a difference?
It’s a strange sort of half-life. Being the cautionary tale - the one people don’t want to end up like.
When it comes to cancer, will I ever have the last laugh?
I’m reminded there’s a difference between being buried and being planted.
One represents an ending. The other, eventually a beginning, but more so a safe-keeping.
God himself is tending to the ground above me, just like a gardener tends to his land.
Would a gardener plant a seed and not monitor its movements? Of course not.
He is deliberate in choosing the right location - just enough sun, not too much shade.
He waters it. He prunes it.
He guards it from frost. He clears away the dead leaves to make way for new life.
He provides it with everything it needs to flourish.
He does this day in and day out. He doesn’t expect the seed to perform without his help or blossom over night.
God is in no danger of forgetting to care for me daily any more than a gardener would plant a seed and leave it to shrivel in the sun.
I know this to be true even on days like today when the trauma triggers and I feel buried.
This is not my 'hallelujah, endure for a little while, and then it will all work out’ post because that’s not where I’m at today and I think it’s important to be honest with ourselves and each other.
This is my ‘I’ve been through a lot and some days are still hard’ post.
Does a seed ever experience guilt over not being farther along? How deep it’s planted? How often it rains or how long it takes to emerge from the damp, dark soil?
Not at all. It allows the gardener to do his work. It leaves the details to him. It gains its strength in the safe-keeping.
And when the time is right, it blooms.
A Glimpse of the Familiar
Not every scar carries a story I want to tell.
I’ll admit to avoiding some of mine. Their origins leave me feeling isolated - like no one understands.
Their presence is tied to deep-seated pain and things yet to be healed.
I wish I could erase them, and with them, all that led to their permanent mark.
After Jesus rose from the dead, one of his disciples named Thomas refused to believe it was really Him unless he saw the scars for himself (John 20: 24-27).
And Jesus, being who He is, provided the proof.
He invited Thomas to run his finger along the nail marks; to place his hand in the damage the spear undoubtedly left in his side.
Scars are such a hallmark of our broken human condition. I’m amazed that Jesus didn’t erase His.
What use did He have for such things?
He had just challenged the world’s oldest adversary and was named the undefeated champion.
The keys to death and hell were now stashed safely in his back pocket.
He was heaven-bound and no pain or past can live there.
Why not blot out any evidence of the horrors?
Because He knew we would still be here.
And that at times, hope would feel foreign, like a language we don’t speak or understand.
When I can’t relate to his power or purposes, I remember He was once human like me.
He experienced exhaustion, anger, disgust, and sorrow.
He understood what it meant to be abandoned by his friends and mocked by his enemies.
And more than I ever will, he knew agony.
He was whipped, beaten, and paraded through dusty streets.
Nails were pounded through both wrists and while dangling, a spear thrust into His side.
With the weight of all sin on His shoulders, His father turned away and the world went dark.
Throughout the hardest times of my life, even when I was physically alone, I have never been without God. But Jesus was that day. Led into the abyss that is utter rejection.
The invisible scars are often the hardest to bear.
If given the kind of power He had, by Sunday I would be obliterating the wounds of Friday.
But the Savior seeks to draw us close. And more often than not, it’s easier to get close to someone who understands what hurts, not just what’s whole and hopeful.
When I struggle to grasp His divinity - when it seems like no one understands the pain behind my scars - I remember His humanity.
He knows me well enough to know sometimes I require a glimpse of the familiar.
He loves me well enough to offer it if only to say, “I know.”
He had scars, too.
The First Day of Spring
On March 20, 2020, I walked out of my final cancer treatment, certificate of completion in hand. As if that was supposed to make me feel a certain way about what I had just been through. I did what was necessary to survive.
Two days later, the whole world shut down from the pandemic.
And that was the beginning of one of the hardest journeys I’ve ever been on. Learning who I was all over again. In many ways, meeting myself for the first time.
Taking one searing step after another, wanting to leave the past behind, but still feeling shackled to it. Afraid of what might be waiting for me just around the corner.
But God can use *anything* as a reminder that we are not defined by what tries to break us. He can and He will make All. Things. New.
Every year since, He has reminded me.
Every year since, March 20 has been the first day of Spring.
Isaiah 43:18-19
Do not remember the past events, pay no attention to things of old. Look, I am about to do something new; even now it is coming. Do you not see it? Indeed, I will make a way in the wilderness, rivers in the desert.
International Women’s Day
Someone else gets the raise.
Someone else gets the title.
Someone else gets a seat at the table.
I wasn’t overlooked. I stepped out of the way.
And it’s been a year since I said I didn’t want to be considered for the promotion.
I used to have a lot of trouble making these kind of bigger decisions. From a young age I believed that my worth was tied to how much and how well I produced. If I wasn’t hustling, I didn’t count.
As a result, I often said “yes” to things not meant for me because I thought it was what I “should” do. I was so worried about letting other people down that I never stopped to ask if I was letting myself down.
Now when faced with a decision, I ask myself two questions:
📌 Does this honor the life I’m trying to create? (life, not lifestyle)
📌 Will this cost me my peace?
When you answer these questions honestly, the situation quickly comes into focus, and you can stop second guessing yourself.
Money and an updated LinkedIn profile can be gratifying, but not more so than thriving health - physical and mental.
And it doesn’t matter how much it might make sense to someone else, or how much you are the obvious choice.
So here’s to buying back your freedom. Here’s to not being the boss.
Here’s to looking opportunity in the eye and saying, “Thanks, but no thanks. I have given enough.”
Valentine’s Day 2023
PSA: stop telling single women we’re not doing enough to find a spouse.
So many of us are in various stages of the search, taking a break from the search, or content but hopeful.
You don’t know what a woman has experienced that’s led her to where she is.
“Put yourself out there” is a directive that has long since worn out its welcome.
We are active in our communities, running businesses, and traveling the world. It doesn’t even apply.
And stop throwing around online dating like it’s a one-size-fits-all, one-stop shopping, magic bullet.
It might not be right for everyone and there are so many factors to consider when investing energy into strangers on the internet, beyond casual social media interactions.
When you’re married, no one is asking you what it is or why it is. You’re free to navigate the twists and turns as you both change and grow.
We are no different - we deserve the freedom and respect to navigate the journey we are on, and above all else, to just be able to LIVE.
Without the pressure. Without the time tables. Without the assumptions.
Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have some calls to make.
Rest as a Rule
Cancer forced me into rest with an immediacy and a totality I had never experienced before.
More than just giving myself a break, it was a breaking. An all-systems shutdown. And I believe it was for more than just that season.
I’ve learned to experience rest as a rule, rather than the exception.
It’s not laziness or apathy, and it’s not a disregard for purpose, but a knowing where control really lies - it’s not with me.
I don’t have all the answers and I’m not supposed to. I can’t do everything, and I shouldn’t try to. I was never created to carry the weight of the world, or the weight of others’ expectations, on my shoulders. I’m not here to keep up with anyone else.
What today’s culture says I should be obsessed with obtaining usually tastes like empty calories for my soul: good going down, but no lasting nourishment.
God sees every major turn of events long before the calendar turns a page. He is not sidelined or shipwrecked by the surprises of life, or by my fear of them, and since I’m carried by Him, neither am I.
I can rest because He never does.
He leads with a gentleness and a kindness not otherwise known, but so often we run ahead to manifest solutions He already has - if we would just still ourselves long enough to listen.
So before we rush into the year like all our dreams and aspirations have caught on fire, let’s not forget the simple rhythms of rest He’s trying to teach us.
He already provided the way. All we have to do is walk in it.
Jeremiah 6:16
Cancer Days
It’s been a rough couple cancer days.
These are days marked by overwhelming emotions surrounding my diagnosis that I thought I had moved past.
Sometimes they are triggered by a pending anniversary (like the day I was diagnosed), but most often they sneak up in unexpected ways.
Either way, I am rendered useless.
Holding space for these days can be hard, especially in a world constantly preaching that ignoring feelings = strength.
It’s vital to acknowledge these days and take steps to work through them, instead of pretending you’re fine when you’re not.
It might look like this:
❤️🩹 Taking breaks throughout the day
❤️🩹 Cancelling commitments
❤️🩹 Treating yourself (pictured @bluebirdhomedecor)
❤️🩹 Fasting social media
❤️🩹 Journaling (this post counts)
❤️🩹 Reading scripture (Ephesians 1, Psalm 139)
Many times, taking care of yourself will look like disappointing some people #ohwell.
Courage isn’t always showing up for battle. Sometimes, courage is recognizing that you can’t. But you’ll try again tomorrow.
A special thank you to @ohyouresotough @msmindymiller and @natashaaftercancer for being such lights in this community.
Million Little Miracles
This morning I talked my sister through baking the 20 pound turkey she got for free. I can’t wait to see how it turns out.
In a while I’ll start the drive to my Grammy’s house in Utica. She’ll be 90 in April. I love how I feel when I walk in her house almost as much as I love her stories.
Later we’ll FaceTime with my aunt and uncles. We’ll laugh when Grammy tries to hold the phone to her ear. And then Grammy and I will head out to eat a delicious dinner neither of us has to cook.
Tomorrow I’ll probably eat cake for breakfast 😉 🍰 and then head over to see Katie Aiello at Character Coffee. Take note if you’re in the Utica area - it’s the best.
Then I’ll head home to the sweetest, floofiest boy I could ever hope to have. He’ll be waiting at the door for me, just like he always does.
When I was little I thought my life would look a lot different. I thought more would have happened by now. That I would never get sick until I was old.
But something gets lost in the imagining of what could have or should have been. We miss the million little miracles all around us. Many we never could have imagined.
Today I’m grateful for my health, and grandmothers, and long drives, and free turkeys, and FaceTime with family, and coffee shops, and floofy fur friends, and cake for breakfast.
And the God who saw fit to send them all to me. ❤️ #MillionLittleMiracles