October

October didn’t go as expected, but not much of this journey has.⁣⁣
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As a survivor, you’re always waiting for the other shoe to drop. Wondering if that dormant volcano will awaken and erupt once again.⁣⁣
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So when the nurse walked back into the room after my scans, shut the door and sat down, I didn’t need her to say that something looked suspicious and they wanted to biopsy as soon as possible.⁣⁣
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I’ve been down this road before.⁣⁣
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And as much as you train your mind not to wander off; as much as you settle it on victory, the body keeps the score. ⁣⁣
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In those first moments, it doesn’t care about breathing or waiting to see. Trauma cements a path through the brain.⁣
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The mere sound of the word ‘suspicious’ signaled a threat to survival.⁣⁣
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But I am more than the limbo I lived these last three weeks.⁣⁣
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I am the sum of my resolve to show up for every test, march on through the wait, and advocate for myself and others with room to spare.⁣⁣
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I wrestle with the unknown until hope rises. I fall apart and carry on. I celebrate the wins, big and small, wherever I can get them.⁣⁣
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It’s not just what a survivor does. It’s who a survivor is.⁣⁣
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To that sweet soul of a nurse who sat next to me and rubbed my back without uttering a word while I sobbed, and then rearranged her schedule to squeeze the biopsy in on her shift - thank you.⁣⁣
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Your kindness in that moment was such a precious gift to me this Breast Cancer Awareness Month. ⁣⁣
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This fourth anniversary of mine.⁣⁣
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That and finally hearing my two favorite words in the English language:

All clear.⁣⁣