The Uncommon Life: A Call to Bravery

First published January 16, 2016

Being single in today's world, especially after a certain age, is not for the faint of heart. It takes patience to navigate the comments, the overwhelming amount of suggestions, and the laser-like focus on one piece of the puzzle that is your life. It also takes a certain brand of bravery to carve out your own unique existence, and fully experience it.

And oh, that advice.

If I want to meet someone I should change my hair, change my religion, and change my career. I should pack up all my change and spend more time at the Laundromat. (Really?) That’s a lot of change for one person. It’s not easy to stand your ground when opinions start flying.

In the last several months, I’ve been “gifted” with more advice than usual. Most of it is coming from strangers, colleagues, and mere acquaintances who don’t know I just turned 35. It’s as if they are all somehow aware of a cosmic countdown that I’m not sure I was equipped with eyes to see or ears to hear.

Read me when I write – I would love to be married. I would love to have a family. But it’s not as simple as stopping at the store on the way home like you do when you forget to pick up the eggs. And I refuse to miss out on anything because I’m focusing on one thing.

It’s kind of like the lottery. Just this week, tension mounted as the potential winnings topped a billion dollars. Who wouldn’t love to win a billion dollars? Many people bought a dozen or more tickets hoping to increase their odds at taking home the jackpot. And then they probably daydreamed and schemed about how they might spend it all.

But do you think any of them stopped everything they were doing to contemplate winning the lottery? I certainly hope not.

They left their tickets on the kitchen counter and went to work, went to school, saw their friends, and hugged their kids. Because if they put their entire lives on hold to concentrate on winning the lottery - that thing they would love to have happen, but the thing they don't have much control over happening - they would miss what’s right in front of them. They would sacrifice divine appointments and precious experiences that might not cost millions but are, in fact, priceless.

On more than one occasion, I’ve been referred to as someone’s “project” just because I’m single. A project is something that is not yet what it should be. It’s work. It’s the garage that needs cleaning, or the basement that needs remodeling. It requires an investment of time and money. Projects are projects because they are often some sort of problem. This is no way to refer to a person. I find it ironic that I am often defined by one thing that is missing, instead of all that is present and thriving.

And I have to be brave in my defense.

I lead a life that is abundant and teeming with possibility – deep and meaningful friendships, a career and causes, a home and hobbies. And yet, when someone learns that I am not married, I often hear, “Oh, I’m so sorry.”

And I have to gather up my courage before responding with grace and love.

Can we switch places for a minute? Imagine this conversation: “Hi, I just moved here. I’m getting married in a few months.”

“Wow. That’s going to be so hard. Your time won’t be your own anymore, and neither will your finances. Oh, and the in-laws. And once you start having kids, forget it. You won’t get any sleep. You’ll probably always be exhausted. I’m so sorry.”

Something doesn’t seem right about that. No one would brush aside all the joy that woman is about to experience by pointing out what might be cause for stress or tension. That’s not a project to be tackled – that’s a woman about to embark on an exciting new journey.

When I was embarking on the exciting, yet scary, journey of buying a house a friend asked me, "Don't you think you should wait until you get married?" Like that child who has reached her quota for the question, my response was, "Why?” “Why wait?” “Why can’t I do it now?” I would encourage any single person to ask the same question. Ask it over and over and in different ways. Your life is not a waiting room. Your great experiences don’t start after a particular event. They are happening right now.

When someone tells you that if you were married you would finally have an excuse to buy the dishes, take the trip, turn down the job, remind them that your life is already all the excuse you need. And it’s a darn good one.

It takes courage to sign your name –and your name only – on the deed of a house when you’re the sole bread winner. It’s courageous to say no to marrying the wrong person and yes to an unknown future. It’s bold and daring to walk into an event all alone and navigate the entire evening without someone by your side.

To those who make changing my current status their mission, I would say this: there are worse things than being single, and I am not those things. I am not mean or vindictive. I am not driven by jealousy, pride, or bitterness. I am not sick or dying. I am not unemployed and I am not homeless.

But I am hungry.

I am hungry to see the people who matter most to me thriving and successful, in life and in love. I am hungry to march into uncharted territory because being uncomfortable forces me to learn and change. I hunger to exhaust my energy on a cause that is bigger than me. There is a rumbling in my soul to make the most of the time I have leaving things better than how I found them. I’m hungry to be a light in this ever-darkening world and live my life on purpose. And I purpose to do this right now, just as I am.

You may never know how many people are inspired by watching you live fully right where you are. Don't ever underestimate that your single life might just be the encouragement someone needs; a reminder that it is possible to do, and do well.

Synonyms for the word ‘single’ include separate, solitary, isolated, and strange. But they also include unique, without equal, peerless, unrivaled, and uncommon. If I could offer any advice to those walking alone, it would be to relish in this most unrivaled opportunity. Find what ignites your passion and pursue it. Be bold in your convictions even if no one is standing next to you. Time waits for no one and neither should you. Give, laugh, learn, travel, and enjoy. Be a light.

Most of all, be brave with your one and only life!